3 days out…..
Today is Monday … and there is 3 days until the realisation that I actually have no idea what I’m doing with my life and I’m still not sure why i decided to get on a plane too 20,000 km on the other side of the world.
I suppose it probably comes down to the fact that I’m a bit spontaneous but at the same time i think it largely has to do with the fact that i yet again feel short changed by life itself.
I was sitting on the sofa last night after smoking a few joints and realised that for Amy to have to wake up on a Sunday and decide that she didn’t love me any more would have been just as hard for her as it was for me . I don’t blame here for leaving me….. we were in a rut….but i cant help think that if we had talked more and learnt from the experience we would have been able to salvage some part of that connection…. the past is only a by product of the decisions we make, and the decisions we make define who we are Today.
I have always been a worrier, for as long as i can remember and right now I’m looking out at the bleak Dunedin weather worrying about packing and tidying. I look around the dimly lit room and realise that in the past 10 years I haven’t actually became any more organised or any more time savvy, it will all come down to the final hour before i leave on Thursday.
I think over the next 6 weeks I’m going in search of the perfect sunrise. A sunrise that makes the heart stop and when i find it i a going to put on Miles Davis and drink an ice cold beer and watch as the earth transgresses from Day to Night….. but who knows tonight’s Joint might just bring a new wave of thought to my life and it could all change in the blink of an eye.
I’m very much looking forward to getting to Eastern Europe and settling down in some accomodation for a few weeks and seeing what life might have been like in Drobeta Turnu Severin.
I never really talk about my adoption to anyone. It’s something i hold closely to my chest, not even Amy would get told my real thoughts. It’s not that I didn’t trust her…. its just the fact that i feel if i let someone into my head then i am completely defenceless and with the way heart break effects me i can never afford to let that happen, sad but true…
I have always wondered if there is a day when you wake up and you realise that you have made something of your life, i thoughts money and nice cars would bring that too me but all it ended up doing is isolating me away from people i once considered close.. strange , maybe the next 6 weeks might divulge something.
“Not how long, but how well you have lived is the main thing. -Seneca”
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Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton
Quantum Entanglement 